As I was sitting outside of McDonlads chugging on my latte, I reached for my cigarettes while simultaneously starring out of my front windshield. A few employees barreled through the front door of the restaurant anxious to relieve their stress with a cigarette haul.
Needless to say, as I was puffing on my own, I thought to myself "Jesus Christ, that's me! I look like that, I smell like that, and I'm desperate like that".
Upon realizing my own pathetic desperation, I realized how much sense my personality actually made.
I spend hundreds of dollars on things that smell good...constantly.
I spend hundreds of dollars on things that smell bad.....constantly.
See the contradiction here?
I bought a nice, expensive candle that set me back about $30. That's almost 3 packs of cigarettes worth - just to blast the scent right out the window to have my fix.
I buy expensive laundry soap and fabric softener sheets just so my clothes smell nice for about 5 minutes after putting them on. Never mind the endless bottles of perfume on the bathroom shelf that no one (not even myself) can smell.
I use my car as a tool, not only to hide from most people on my work breaks, but as my traveling smoke shack. It's fun to blow smoke into a beautiful smelling air freshener. It's so worth it to wipe away little ash pieces that's stuck to the dash, and inside of all the vents, under and on the seats, in the floor mats - and of course - all of the particles that's plastered to the drivers side window and side mirror.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I made it 3 and 1/2 days without a cigarette a few weeks ago. I must say, the first day was the easiest, and then my body realized that I wasn't increasing my blood pressure every hour or so and wondered what was up. It let me know it wasn't impressed when I ended up crashing. I was exhausted. I had no energy, I was shoveling food into my face ever few minutes and I was about as happy as Oprah on a diet. Those were the only days in a long while where I actually treated myself with respect.
I drank an umpteen amount of water, ate well, exercised and went to bed at a decent hour. That all ended when I started smoking again.
Smoking makes me become a person I don't want to be. A lazy, smelly, slob who can't go anywhere without being concerned about when and where I can smoke. Long drives with non-smokers are torture, having a nice family dinner and being the only person to "excuse" themselves to go outside is humiliating. I go through all of these emotions for what? To engage in a selfish act.
I like to try to justify my addiction by saying things like "I work hard, if I want to smoke I deserve to.", "It's a social thing so I must keep smoking so I do not fall out of my group". In reality, I am the one spending the money that I work so hard for on something that I have nothing to show for except stained teeth.
I feel like I'm done. I don't have anymore cigarettes (I smoked the last one in the pack as I was writing this --ironically). I don't have any money for more. I could buy another pack and allow the pets to starve. I could buy another pack and walk over an hour to work because I have no gas. The big ultimatum has arrived and the answer is obvious.
Smoking is a choice. You can choose to smoke or you can choose to quit.
I will try to quit again, only hoping to prevail this time.
Monday 26 November 2012
Thursday 28 June 2012
Make Your Own Friends
I was never a very social person. When I was younger I was shy and a self-proclaimed "loner" if you will. I was happy that way and still sort of am. I never did have many friends - so I ordered my own.
Ladies and Gentleman, I know introduce to you... the world of Sea Monkeys!
I remember the very first time I ordered a package of these little guys. I was probably 9 or 10 years old. They were for sale at the school book fair and also in the little booklet of books that came to the school to order from.
I hatched many of Sea Monkeys as well as Triops. I remember sitting at my little desk and watching them for hours and hours, especially waking up for school extra early to see if they've hatched.
I frequently still talk about my love of Sea Monkeys, though I have a hard time finding them anymore, especially where I currently live.
Low and behold, my boyfriend goes on a trip to Mansfield, MA for an Iron Maiden concert and comes home with.....................
SEA MONKEYS!!!!!!
I ripped that package open faster than a fat kid opens a Twinkie and set the tank up for hopeful success. This is day one. The water has to sit for 24 hours before you can add the Sea Money eggs. It feels like waiting for Christmas morning.
Here's a picture of the "eggless" water:
Cheers to hatching your own friends!
Ladies and Gentleman, I know introduce to you... the world of Sea Monkeys!
I remember the very first time I ordered a package of these little guys. I was probably 9 or 10 years old. They were for sale at the school book fair and also in the little booklet of books that came to the school to order from.
I hatched many of Sea Monkeys as well as Triops. I remember sitting at my little desk and watching them for hours and hours, especially waking up for school extra early to see if they've hatched.
I frequently still talk about my love of Sea Monkeys, though I have a hard time finding them anymore, especially where I currently live.
Low and behold, my boyfriend goes on a trip to Mansfield, MA for an Iron Maiden concert and comes home with.....................
SEA MONKEYS!!!!!!
I ripped that package open faster than a fat kid opens a Twinkie and set the tank up for hopeful success. This is day one. The water has to sit for 24 hours before you can add the Sea Money eggs. It feels like waiting for Christmas morning.
Here's a picture of the "eggless" water:
Cheers to hatching your own friends!
Friday 18 May 2012
A & Double-Poo
My boyfriend and I decided to try out the A&W in Summerside for the first time since it's opening. We both had eaten at A&W before in other cities so we expected the same here.
We ordered each a Baby Burger. One with extra pickles and onions, and the other as is. There were 4 staff members working and about 5 customers backed up waiting for short orders. I expected it to be a fast transaction and we would leave with onion breath and satisfied. Not so much.
After about 15 minutes we got our small, individually wrapped burgers and headed to the neat little tables outside to eat. Neither one of the burgers were marked so we had to inspect them to see whose was whose. They were both identical with only ketchup, toasted buns and a small meat patty. Well that set me off.
I marched (well, maybe walked) back inside and informed the young, spaced out looking cashier that there were no pickles OR onions on my burger. She didn't apologize, just turned to the supervisor who seemed to be the only one doing anything to keep the "show" running, with a quizzical look on her face. The supervisor took my burger and sent it back to the burger-making-station demanding for there to be pickles and onions added to my burger and called them out on their mistake. People make mistakes, I can understand that, so I stood there waiting for my burger with a nice, polite smile on my face.
Another 5 minutes pass while they fill some more orders without correcting mine first - which in my opinion would have been pretty simple and quick. The supervisor calls to the back looking for my burger which then appears in the metal tray that sorts the burgers to be given to the right customer. The supervisor took my burger and held it up to the burger making people to confirm my extra condiments were added - they took the burger back AGAIN and "fixed" it. The supervisor turned to me and mouthed "I told them 5 times!".
I was then given my burger with a smile, a nod and a statement -"Sorry for the mix-up, I would give you some apple turnovers, but we don't have any!"
WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TELLING ME THAT!?
I scurried outside to meet Neil and finally eat. He was already finished by this time. The burger was decent in the end but not worth my time.
We ordered each a Baby Burger. One with extra pickles and onions, and the other as is. There were 4 staff members working and about 5 customers backed up waiting for short orders. I expected it to be a fast transaction and we would leave with onion breath and satisfied. Not so much.
After about 15 minutes we got our small, individually wrapped burgers and headed to the neat little tables outside to eat. Neither one of the burgers were marked so we had to inspect them to see whose was whose. They were both identical with only ketchup, toasted buns and a small meat patty. Well that set me off.
I marched (well, maybe walked) back inside and informed the young, spaced out looking cashier that there were no pickles OR onions on my burger. She didn't apologize, just turned to the supervisor who seemed to be the only one doing anything to keep the "show" running, with a quizzical look on her face. The supervisor took my burger and sent it back to the burger-making-station demanding for there to be pickles and onions added to my burger and called them out on their mistake. People make mistakes, I can understand that, so I stood there waiting for my burger with a nice, polite smile on my face.
Another 5 minutes pass while they fill some more orders without correcting mine first - which in my opinion would have been pretty simple and quick. The supervisor calls to the back looking for my burger which then appears in the metal tray that sorts the burgers to be given to the right customer. The supervisor took my burger and held it up to the burger making people to confirm my extra condiments were added - they took the burger back AGAIN and "fixed" it. The supervisor turned to me and mouthed "I told them 5 times!".
I was then given my burger with a smile, a nod and a statement -"Sorry for the mix-up, I would give you some apple turnovers, but we don't have any!"
WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TELLING ME THAT!?
I scurried outside to meet Neil and finally eat. He was already finished by this time. The burger was decent in the end but not worth my time.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Illness for the Innocent
The more I think about illness and disease the more I realize that it only seems to torment and invade the lives of the people who least want to die. They show strong will, determination to "beat it" <-- haha Michael Jackson reference - and pamper themselves into a total healing. It's the slow, agonizing, goodbye process that everyone hopes that they get to have before they leave their loved ones.
I know people...probably myself included, that would embrace such a disease or illness in a different way. As an easy, less selfish, less invasive and much less shocking way to disappear. No one can blame you for getting cancer (they may try to if you smoke, etc), no one can blame you for dying naturally, no one is angry with you for leaving them.
Sometimes I wonder what the point of going on is? Well, there really isn't one. You have to make it up yourself.
Some of us will grow old, feeble, alone and sick. Taken care of by people who may not even really care. People who have to pay their bills and didn't get hired on in a fast food chain soon enough.
No pictures of your beautiful white wedding on the wall - because you didn't have one.
No pictures of your beautiful children on the wall - because you didn't have any.
I guess you can be thankful for whatever you have, if you have anything worth being thankful for. Then again, should I be thankful for something that I've earned? I believe I should just expect it.
I know people...probably myself included, that would embrace such a disease or illness in a different way. As an easy, less selfish, less invasive and much less shocking way to disappear. No one can blame you for getting cancer (they may try to if you smoke, etc), no one can blame you for dying naturally, no one is angry with you for leaving them.
Sometimes I wonder what the point of going on is? Well, there really isn't one. You have to make it up yourself.
Some of us will grow old, feeble, alone and sick. Taken care of by people who may not even really care. People who have to pay their bills and didn't get hired on in a fast food chain soon enough.
No pictures of your beautiful white wedding on the wall - because you didn't have one.
No pictures of your beautiful children on the wall - because you didn't have any.
I guess you can be thankful for whatever you have, if you have anything worth being thankful for. Then again, should I be thankful for something that I've earned? I believe I should just expect it.
Friday 27 April 2012
Saturday 3 March 2012
Forecast Calls For Sleet
There was a storm in the forecast for Summerside last night at the Credit Union Place. This isn't your usual storm, but the Summerside Storm. Our very own basketball team.
I attended my first Storm game last night, which also happened to be their last home game of the season. The crowd packed in closely - approximately a "whopping" 4000 human bodies.
Upon entering the building, all seemed like a normal sporting event. This all ended at the front door where we were all greeted by screeching bagpipers and a mass of extremely excited children running loose amongst the crowd. Everywhere I turned I was greeted by someone I knew, which is to be expected in this small city.
We had standing tickets which was fine with me, because there were plenty of seats available for the taking after the game started.
I must admit, I was beginning to get a little excited as the "show" began and had unreasonable high expectations. Out came the much anticipated cheerleaders.
The cheerleaders ......WTF?
A group of girls who couldn't have been older than 16, came rushing out waving their pom-poms in full sweat suits. No bikini's, no twirly twirls or flippy-flips. They were claiming they were part of a dance studio. It must have been a hard day at school for them because they were about as enthusiastic about being there as they would have been about doing their math homework. It was simliar to something out of the movie American Beauty - minus the typical cheer outfits. You almost feel guilty for watching them, but you don't because after all - they are wearing full on sweatshirts and sweat pants.
Ignoring the girls, I began to focus on our team. Most of our players are "imported", which is quite obvious and reassuring. I would hate to see anyone from Summerside (including myself) play basketball, or worse, wear shorts and a tank top.
On with the half-time show! YAY! This is usually one of the best parts of the whole game in itself. At least if you're watching live NBA. A guy I've never heard of or seen before came out with a microphone and guitar. Not a bad singer, but definitely pub style. He sang a song that was annoying similar to Copperhead Road - which would have been a much better choice.
The girls came back out and did their little dance while I stuffed my face with two huge slices of garlic fingers and dipping sauce. $4.00 a slice, not bad.
Summerside Storm was in the lead for most of the night and towards the end, it was an almost obvious win. The announcer had the entire crowd stand (good for press pictures I'm sure - makes us all look excited) so we could all watch Summerside LOSE.
With all my criticism, I did have fun. It was something to do on a Friday night and my boyfriend and I had loads of fun people watching.
One thing to remember though, in Summerside you can never really get your hopes up because when they call for a storm, we get sleet. Messy. Wet. Sleet.
Thursday 1 March 2012
Enchanced Productivity?
Finally paying off my laptop that was leased from Easy Home, I decided to go pick up my final receipt. Since I am now considered a "good" customer, they suggested I take home whatever I wanted to try in the store for a month at no cost. Needless to say, I walked out the door with an Asus Eee Pad Transformer. It's a tablet that hooks onto an optional full keyboard turning it into an almost netbook. I say almost because it functions on Android - so basically it's a huge smart phone minus the phone, netbook and tablet all in one.
I must say that I'm impressed with it so far. It's not as functional as my laptop and the typing is a little bit laggy, but at least I'm not stuck with the on-screen touch keyboard like most other tablets.
Since I did borrow it from Easy Home, there were very obvious other "owners" of the tablet. One young girl failed to delete all the pictures she took with the built-in webcam, and another older lady seemingly forgot to sign out of Facebook. Note to my readers - Easy Home, as nice as the staff are, do not "clean" their products as well as they should before "re-homing".
In my month of testing this thing from the future, I am hoping for more improvements on the book I hope to write. I will be able to type anywhere and everywhere while abandoning the newly purchased laptop in the hands of my boyfriend. My laptop is very convenient for at home use, but not for travel as it weighs a ton.
The Asus Transformer that I'm playing with is heavier than most tablets, but the screen is exceptionally large and has a better quality resolution than the ipad 2. Also weighing in the keyboard, it's about as heavy as a netbook.
If I can produce documents, work on my book, check Facebook, watch YouTube videos and update my blog normally, then all should go well.
I must say that I'm impressed with it so far. It's not as functional as my laptop and the typing is a little bit laggy, but at least I'm not stuck with the on-screen touch keyboard like most other tablets.
Since I did borrow it from Easy Home, there were very obvious other "owners" of the tablet. One young girl failed to delete all the pictures she took with the built-in webcam, and another older lady seemingly forgot to sign out of Facebook. Note to my readers - Easy Home, as nice as the staff are, do not "clean" their products as well as they should before "re-homing".
In my month of testing this thing from the future, I am hoping for more improvements on the book I hope to write. I will be able to type anywhere and everywhere while abandoning the newly purchased laptop in the hands of my boyfriend. My laptop is very convenient for at home use, but not for travel as it weighs a ton.
The Asus Transformer that I'm playing with is heavier than most tablets, but the screen is exceptionally large and has a better quality resolution than the ipad 2. Also weighing in the keyboard, it's about as heavy as a netbook.
If I can produce documents, work on my book, check Facebook, watch YouTube videos and update my blog normally, then all should go well.
Sunday 12 February 2012
You Can't "Just Leave"
To hide an abusive relationship is to encourage one. To the abuser, the secret of the abuse is akin to saying "it's not that bad", when it really is.
I have been told a few months ago by an unreliable source, that a spouse cannot rape their partner. This was obviously opinionated by someone who has never had to go through such a traumatizing experience. They in fact CAN, and most abusive partners will in some way or another. The abusers will tend to make you feel as though it's your duty to "please" them and will even tell you so.
You may find out that you are "not allowed" to do certain things. Whether it be dye/cut your hair, get a better job, hang out with your friends, see your family, fulfill your own needs. All these things can be taken away from you by someone that you love. You will eventually become depleted of your freedom.
So eventually you may find yourself saying "enough is enough, I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving!". Chances are, you'll be back again.
Hiding all of this from loved ones is one of the hardest things to do. You find yourself making up excuses for your partner, lying to your family and friends and generally believing your own lies.
Eventually, people close to you find out about your troubled relationship and do what humans do best - get nosy. They will poke and prod you and your friends for some answers and if you're broken enough, may not do the best lying when put on the spot.
This is when they throw up their arms, look at you like you're insane and say one or more of the following things:
"Just Leave!"
"You're crazy for staying with him/her! I sure as hell wouldn't"
"You must like being treated like that!"
"Do you have no self worth or respect?"
It's really better to say nothing at all. This person cannot "just leave" and you probably couldn't either.
Love is a funny thing. If you are truly committed and truly in love with the person, you can be blinded by their faults. You might feel like you deserve the way you're being treated. The person who abuses you probably actually DOES love you.
After being in an abusive relationship, I can say that it is nearly impossible to "just leave". I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I expected him to change. For him to wake up and see the damage that was being caused by his words and actions. This never happened and probably never will. It took me being physically kicked out by him to remove myself from his grasp. At the airport I was still begging him to let me come back home.
What I want to know is why love can blind you so badly? How can you still love someone who treats you like this? Why do you spend your precious time waiting for that person to change, and believing they can?
I guess this is one of the mysteries of love and life.
All I can say is that I am now so much better off, but it takes time. You have to leave on your own terms, even if you get kicked out. Emotionally you are still there. Until you find yourself again, you are never really gone from the circumstance. The hold on you may not be there physically, but emotionally it will be.
If someone trusts you, or if you hear some juicy gossip about someones relationship, never tell a person to "just leave".
I have been told a few months ago by an unreliable source, that a spouse cannot rape their partner. This was obviously opinionated by someone who has never had to go through such a traumatizing experience. They in fact CAN, and most abusive partners will in some way or another. The abusers will tend to make you feel as though it's your duty to "please" them and will even tell you so.
You may find out that you are "not allowed" to do certain things. Whether it be dye/cut your hair, get a better job, hang out with your friends, see your family, fulfill your own needs. All these things can be taken away from you by someone that you love. You will eventually become depleted of your freedom.
So eventually you may find yourself saying "enough is enough, I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving!". Chances are, you'll be back again.
Hiding all of this from loved ones is one of the hardest things to do. You find yourself making up excuses for your partner, lying to your family and friends and generally believing your own lies.
Eventually, people close to you find out about your troubled relationship and do what humans do best - get nosy. They will poke and prod you and your friends for some answers and if you're broken enough, may not do the best lying when put on the spot.
This is when they throw up their arms, look at you like you're insane and say one or more of the following things:
"Just Leave!"
"You're crazy for staying with him/her! I sure as hell wouldn't"
"You must like being treated like that!"
"Do you have no self worth or respect?"
It's really better to say nothing at all. This person cannot "just leave" and you probably couldn't either.
Love is a funny thing. If you are truly committed and truly in love with the person, you can be blinded by their faults. You might feel like you deserve the way you're being treated. The person who abuses you probably actually DOES love you.
After being in an abusive relationship, I can say that it is nearly impossible to "just leave". I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I expected him to change. For him to wake up and see the damage that was being caused by his words and actions. This never happened and probably never will. It took me being physically kicked out by him to remove myself from his grasp. At the airport I was still begging him to let me come back home.
What I want to know is why love can blind you so badly? How can you still love someone who treats you like this? Why do you spend your precious time waiting for that person to change, and believing they can?
I guess this is one of the mysteries of love and life.
All I can say is that I am now so much better off, but it takes time. You have to leave on your own terms, even if you get kicked out. Emotionally you are still there. Until you find yourself again, you are never really gone from the circumstance. The hold on you may not be there physically, but emotionally it will be.
If someone trusts you, or if you hear some juicy gossip about someones relationship, never tell a person to "just leave".
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Depression - Talk NOW
Depression is more than feeling sad every now and again. I hear people say "Ugh I'm so depressed today". Are you really and truly depressed, or just sad?
There is a huge difference between the two. One you can "get over" yourself, the other involves professionals. You want to stick with the first one obviously, but it is not that easy and it's not something that you see coming your way.
I will admit, in my younger years there was always something glamorous about being in a depressed state. There was something glamorous about taking pills everyday for something you couldn't control. I don't know why I thought this way. Maybe because I was an artist and thought that in order to produce a good artistic result you needed to be depressed. It's true to some degree. Most of my art has come out of my depression and it is of a higher quality, but dark music can have the same effect without the damage.
Never did I think it would become me. Become who I am and who I was. I didn't think that I would be so out of control with my mind that I could not leave my own bed, let alone my apartment for months at a time. I would eat in bed, smoke in bed, and sleep. I always slept, for days straight. My rent was never paid and I would hide in a dark bathroom when the landlord came to collect it. My apartment was a complete disaster. There was garbage everywhere, I had an abundance of pets that I thought would cure whatever ailed me, but they just became a burden and all found much better homes in the end.
This is NOT something that I wanted to share with the world about myself. Many people do not/did not know this about me, but I will always be honest about myself if it's brought up in conversation. It is not something I am proud of. The way that I used to live was a disaster and I'll be the first person to admit it. I am utterly ashamed of the damage I've caused to others, myself and my family, but it was something that was completely out of my control.
You don't feel like you deserve a nice home, you don't think you deserve to eat, to work, to live amongst society. The only way that you can feel emotions, to feel anything at all is to hurt yourself and sometimes others.
These are not things that mentally healthy people will do to themselves for attention. To purposely waste their lives feeling miserable just to get some sympathy from someone. It is so much more than that.
I began to disassociate myself from the world, dabber into a lot of alcohol and moped around the apartment (that I shared with my ex-husband). I would mope around and sleep all day and all night, not accomplishing anything at all. Not doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. I didn't feel like I deserved a nice environment.
My husband was extremely abusive, emotionally and physically. Obviously someone in my already depressed state feels as though they deserve this, and doesn't do much about it.
I eventually got to my breaking point. I was highly intoxicated and decided that this was it, I no longer wanted to live. This is a scary thing for me even to type. I never thought that I would even consider this, but it's something that you don't think about. I didn't once think of my parents and how it would affect them, I never once thought of my family, my friends, my co-workers. Nothing crossed my mind except the end result. To this day I do not find suicides selfish. I hear so many people say how selfish it is. What they do not understand is how close they, themselves are. One moment. It only takes ONE moment. ONE thought.
I was arrested by the Dallas Police Department for attempted suicide and was promptly brought to Green Oaks Mental Institution. This was the worst place I have ever been in my life. Jail would have been nicer. You didn't get your own room. You got your own plastic recliner, a water bottle, a hospital shirt and that's it. You shared a room with about 50 other people. All whom have been arrested for a variety of things. Mostly drug related and were there to detox, most were high, most were homeless and it was a mix of men and women. I was not supposed to talk to anyone. I was allowed 3 cigarette breaks a day. They would have them scheduled and I would go outside on this tiny patio in groups that was supervised by a guard. I was not permitted to go to the washroom by myself . Talk about humiliating. I was strip searched as well. This lasted 2 days.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and given 10mg of Celexa to take per day. I did not know at the time that you have to continue to increase your dose every couple of months because it completely stops working. I was given a short term supply of Ativan and Xanax to help me over the next course of months. I was finally up to 60mg of Celexa per day and when it finally stopped working I decided that was enough. I had made some major changes in my life. I now believe that I can cope without the medication. I still take .25mg of Xanax when needed - which now is very rare.
I have been off of all medication for about 6 months now and I feel much better. The withdrawals were horrible. It makes you feel like you have the flu for about 2 months. Nausea and dizziness all day.
This is always something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. There may be a time when I have to return to medication. It does get better. My life has completely turned around and I could not have done it without the medication.
If you take anything from my story regarding my depression, please get help now. Don't wait until your life is crippled, until you waste so much time that it takes you a long time to catch up. Tell your doctor how you feel. You won't sound like a pity party I assure you. Muster up what little strength you have left and tell somebody. You will be saving your own life even if you don't have suicidal feelings yet. It doesn't mean that in a split second they won't be there. If your family or friends, or even your doctor brushes your feelings aside, tell someone else. Keep talking. Every life is worth saving and if I helped even one person get through this then that's all I have written this for. It has not been easy writing this and it sure won't be easy posting this but it is truly important and these things should NOT be secrets.
Talk to somebody today, right now.
http://letstalk.bell.ca/
There is a huge difference between the two. One you can "get over" yourself, the other involves professionals. You want to stick with the first one obviously, but it is not that easy and it's not something that you see coming your way.
I will admit, in my younger years there was always something glamorous about being in a depressed state. There was something glamorous about taking pills everyday for something you couldn't control. I don't know why I thought this way. Maybe because I was an artist and thought that in order to produce a good artistic result you needed to be depressed. It's true to some degree. Most of my art has come out of my depression and it is of a higher quality, but dark music can have the same effect without the damage.
Never did I think it would become me. Become who I am and who I was. I didn't think that I would be so out of control with my mind that I could not leave my own bed, let alone my apartment for months at a time. I would eat in bed, smoke in bed, and sleep. I always slept, for days straight. My rent was never paid and I would hide in a dark bathroom when the landlord came to collect it. My apartment was a complete disaster. There was garbage everywhere, I had an abundance of pets that I thought would cure whatever ailed me, but they just became a burden and all found much better homes in the end.
This is NOT something that I wanted to share with the world about myself. Many people do not/did not know this about me, but I will always be honest about myself if it's brought up in conversation. It is not something I am proud of. The way that I used to live was a disaster and I'll be the first person to admit it. I am utterly ashamed of the damage I've caused to others, myself and my family, but it was something that was completely out of my control.
You don't feel like you deserve a nice home, you don't think you deserve to eat, to work, to live amongst society. The only way that you can feel emotions, to feel anything at all is to hurt yourself and sometimes others.
These are not things that mentally healthy people will do to themselves for attention. To purposely waste their lives feeling miserable just to get some sympathy from someone. It is so much more than that.
I began to disassociate myself from the world, dabber into a lot of alcohol and moped around the apartment (that I shared with my ex-husband). I would mope around and sleep all day and all night, not accomplishing anything at all. Not doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. I didn't feel like I deserved a nice environment.
My husband was extremely abusive, emotionally and physically. Obviously someone in my already depressed state feels as though they deserve this, and doesn't do much about it.
I eventually got to my breaking point. I was highly intoxicated and decided that this was it, I no longer wanted to live. This is a scary thing for me even to type. I never thought that I would even consider this, but it's something that you don't think about. I didn't once think of my parents and how it would affect them, I never once thought of my family, my friends, my co-workers. Nothing crossed my mind except the end result. To this day I do not find suicides selfish. I hear so many people say how selfish it is. What they do not understand is how close they, themselves are. One moment. It only takes ONE moment. ONE thought.
I was arrested by the Dallas Police Department for attempted suicide and was promptly brought to Green Oaks Mental Institution. This was the worst place I have ever been in my life. Jail would have been nicer. You didn't get your own room. You got your own plastic recliner, a water bottle, a hospital shirt and that's it. You shared a room with about 50 other people. All whom have been arrested for a variety of things. Mostly drug related and were there to detox, most were high, most were homeless and it was a mix of men and women. I was not supposed to talk to anyone. I was allowed 3 cigarette breaks a day. They would have them scheduled and I would go outside on this tiny patio in groups that was supervised by a guard. I was not permitted to go to the washroom by myself . Talk about humiliating. I was strip searched as well. This lasted 2 days.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and given 10mg of Celexa to take per day. I did not know at the time that you have to continue to increase your dose every couple of months because it completely stops working. I was given a short term supply of Ativan and Xanax to help me over the next course of months. I was finally up to 60mg of Celexa per day and when it finally stopped working I decided that was enough. I had made some major changes in my life. I now believe that I can cope without the medication. I still take .25mg of Xanax when needed - which now is very rare.
I have been off of all medication for about 6 months now and I feel much better. The withdrawals were horrible. It makes you feel like you have the flu for about 2 months. Nausea and dizziness all day.
This is always something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. There may be a time when I have to return to medication. It does get better. My life has completely turned around and I could not have done it without the medication.
If you take anything from my story regarding my depression, please get help now. Don't wait until your life is crippled, until you waste so much time that it takes you a long time to catch up. Tell your doctor how you feel. You won't sound like a pity party I assure you. Muster up what little strength you have left and tell somebody. You will be saving your own life even if you don't have suicidal feelings yet. It doesn't mean that in a split second they won't be there. If your family or friends, or even your doctor brushes your feelings aside, tell someone else. Keep talking. Every life is worth saving and if I helped even one person get through this then that's all I have written this for. It has not been easy writing this and it sure won't be easy posting this but it is truly important and these things should NOT be secrets.
Talk to somebody today, right now.
http://letstalk.bell.ca/
So You Wanna Quit High School?
To think of all the time I've wasted, I'm appalled. It's been 8 years since I quit high school and I have nothing to show for the amount of time that I've worked in those years. If anything, I have a failed marriage, a 4 page resume and a series of abandoned apartments.
I still live in an apartment, I'll be 25 this year. I have no education other than a certificate saying I am smart enough to have a general grade 12. I have around $20 in my bank account for fun stuff but no time to do this "fun stuff" as I have no choice but to work constantly.
I work around 93.5 hours bi-weekly and nothing to show for it but a good work ethic which may help me get another minimum wage job as reference.
The woman who set up my bank account and helps me with my finances was in the same high school classes as me. The nurse at the doctors office was in a grade lower than me. This is not a good feeling.
If you're considering quitting school, please watch this video first.
I still live in an apartment, I'll be 25 this year. I have no education other than a certificate saying I am smart enough to have a general grade 12. I have around $20 in my bank account for fun stuff but no time to do this "fun stuff" as I have no choice but to work constantly.
I work around 93.5 hours bi-weekly and nothing to show for it but a good work ethic which may help me get another minimum wage job as reference.
The woman who set up my bank account and helps me with my finances was in the same high school classes as me. The nurse at the doctors office was in a grade lower than me. This is not a good feeling.
If you're considering quitting school, please watch this video first.
Thursday 2 February 2012
Your Story is My Story.
I was cruising around on YouTube and kept coming across all of these teenagers posting videos of them flipping pages upon pages of why their lives suck and how hard it is to be them.
I made a video response on my old YouTube channel (MizzY0uTub3) that hadn't been touched in quite sometime. Why I didn't post it on my bashleyblog channel? I didn't want to ruin it.
Anyway, here is the video response:
Now I will sit back and wait for the controversy!
I made a video response on my old YouTube channel (MizzY0uTub3) that hadn't been touched in quite sometime. Why I didn't post it on my bashleyblog channel? I didn't want to ruin it.
Anyway, here is the video response:
Now I will sit back and wait for the controversy!
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Ashley is 阿什利
I had the courage to open it for the first time yesterday, after glancing at it on my bookshelf for weeks. Setting up the kit according to the included instruction booklet, made me feel as though I was setting myself up for failure.
The booklet seemed daunting so I searched Chinese Brush Painting for Beginners on YouTube and found www.youtube.com/user/blueheronarts. I found this extremely helpful and decided to follow some basic tips for painting bamboo.
Here's what I came up with:
Of course- not perfect but it's so much harder than it looks! It's a lot of fun and I am going to really try to paint one picture per day.
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