As I was sitting outside of McDonlads chugging on my latte, I reached for my cigarettes while simultaneously starring out of my front windshield. A few employees barreled through the front door of the restaurant anxious to relieve their stress with a cigarette haul.
Needless to say, as I was puffing on my own, I thought to myself "Jesus Christ, that's me! I look like that, I smell like that, and I'm desperate like that".
Upon realizing my own pathetic desperation, I realized how much sense my personality actually made.
I spend hundreds of dollars on things that smell good...constantly.
I spend hundreds of dollars on things that smell bad.....constantly.
See the contradiction here?
I bought a nice, expensive candle that set me back about $30. That's almost 3 packs of cigarettes worth - just to blast the scent right out the window to have my fix.
I buy expensive laundry soap and fabric softener sheets just so my clothes smell nice for about 5 minutes after putting them on. Never mind the endless bottles of perfume on the bathroom shelf that no one (not even myself) can smell.
I use my car as a tool, not only to hide from most people on my work breaks, but as my traveling smoke shack. It's fun to blow smoke into a beautiful smelling air freshener. It's so worth it to wipe away little ash pieces that's stuck to the dash, and inside of all the vents, under and on the seats, in the floor mats - and of course - all of the particles that's plastered to the drivers side window and side mirror.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I made it 3 and 1/2 days without a cigarette a few weeks ago. I must say, the first day was the easiest, and then my body realized that I wasn't increasing my blood pressure every hour or so and wondered what was up. It let me know it wasn't impressed when I ended up crashing. I was exhausted. I had no energy, I was shoveling food into my face ever few minutes and I was about as happy as Oprah on a diet. Those were the only days in a long while where I actually treated myself with respect.
I drank an umpteen amount of water, ate well, exercised and went to bed at a decent hour. That all ended when I started smoking again.
Smoking makes me become a person I don't want to be. A lazy, smelly, slob who can't go anywhere without being concerned about when and where I can smoke. Long drives with non-smokers are torture, having a nice family dinner and being the only person to "excuse" themselves to go outside is humiliating. I go through all of these emotions for what? To engage in a selfish act.
I like to try to justify my addiction by saying things like "I work hard, if I want to smoke I deserve to.", "It's a social thing so I must keep smoking so I do not fall out of my group". In reality, I am the one spending the money that I work so hard for on something that I have nothing to show for except stained teeth.
I feel like I'm done. I don't have anymore cigarettes (I smoked the last one in the pack as I was writing this --ironically). I don't have any money for more. I could buy another pack and allow the pets to starve. I could buy another pack and walk over an hour to work because I have no gas. The big ultimatum has arrived and the answer is obvious.
Smoking is a choice. You can choose to smoke or you can choose to quit.
I will try to quit again, only hoping to prevail this time.
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