Depression - Talk NOW

Depression is more than feeling sad every now and again.  I hear people say "Ugh I'm so depressed today".  Are you really and truly depressed, or just sad?

There is a huge difference between the two.  One you can "get over" yourself, the other involves professionals.  You want to stick with the first one obviously, but it is not that easy and it's not something that you see coming your way.

I will admit, in my younger years there was always something glamorous about being in a depressed state. There was something glamorous about taking pills everyday for something you couldn't control.  I don't know why I thought this way.  Maybe because I was an artist and thought that in order to produce a good artistic result you needed to be depressed.  It's true to some degree.  Most of my art has come out of my depression and it is of a higher quality, but dark music can have the same effect without the damage.

Never did I think it would become me.  Become who I am and who I was.  I didn't think that I would be so out of control with my mind that I could not leave my own bed, let alone my apartment for months at a time.  I would eat in bed, smoke in bed, and sleep.  I always slept, for days straight.  My rent was never paid and I would hide in a dark bathroom when the landlord came to collect it.  My apartment was a complete disaster.  There was garbage everywhere, I had an abundance of pets that I thought would cure whatever ailed me, but they just became a burden and all found much better homes in the end.

This is NOT something that I wanted to share with the world about myself.  Many people do not/did not know this about me, but I will always be honest about myself if it's brought up in conversation.  It is not something I am proud of.  The way that I used to live was a disaster and I'll be the first person to admit it.  I am utterly ashamed of the damage I've caused to others, myself and my family, but it was something that was completely out of my control.

You don't feel like you deserve a nice home, you don't think you deserve to eat, to work, to live amongst society.  The only way that you can feel emotions, to feel anything at all is to hurt yourself and sometimes others.

These are not things that mentally healthy people will do to themselves for attention.  To purposely waste their lives feeling miserable just to get some sympathy from someone.  It is so much more than that.

I began to disassociate myself from the world, dabber into a lot of alcohol and moped around the apartment (that I shared with my ex-husband).  I would mope around and sleep all day and all night, not accomplishing anything at all.  Not doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.  I didn't feel like I deserved a nice environment.

My husband was extremely abusive, emotionally and physically.  Obviously someone in my already depressed state feels as though they deserve this, and doesn't do much about it.

I eventually got to my breaking point.  I was highly intoxicated and decided that this was it, I no longer wanted to live.  This is a scary thing for me even to type.  I never thought that I would even consider this, but it's something that you don't think about.  I didn't once think of my parents and how it would affect them, I never once thought of my family, my friends, my co-workers.  Nothing crossed my mind except the end result.  To this day I do not find suicides selfish.  I hear so many people say how selfish it is.  What they do not understand is how close they, themselves are.  One moment.  It only takes ONE moment. ONE thought.

I was arrested by the Dallas Police Department for attempted suicide and was promptly brought to Green Oaks Mental Institution.  This was the worst place I have ever been in my life.  Jail would have been nicer.  You didn't get your own room.  You got your own plastic recliner, a water bottle, a hospital shirt and that's it.  You shared a room with about 50 other people.  All whom have been arrested for a variety of things.  Mostly drug related and were there to detox, most were high, most were homeless and it was a mix of men and women.  I was not supposed to talk to anyone. I was allowed 3 cigarette breaks a day.  They would have them scheduled and I would go outside on this tiny patio in groups that was supervised by a guard.  I was not permitted to go to the washroom by myself .  Talk about humiliating.  I was strip searched as well.  This lasted 2 days.

I was diagnosed with severe depression and given 10mg of Celexa to take per day.  I did not know at the time that you have to continue to increase your dose every couple of months because it completely stops working.  I was given a short term supply of Ativan and Xanax to help me over the next course of months.  I was finally up to 60mg of Celexa per day and when it finally stopped working I decided that was enough.  I had made some major changes in my life. I now believe that I can cope without the medication.  I still take .25mg of Xanax when needed - which now is very rare.

I have been off of all medication for about 6 months now and I feel much better.  The withdrawals were horrible.  It makes you feel like you have the flu for about 2 months.  Nausea and dizziness all day.

This is always something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.  There may be a time when I have to return to medication.  It does get better.  My life has completely turned around and I could not have done it without the medication.

If you take anything from my story regarding my depression, please get help now.  Don't wait until your life is crippled, until you waste so much time that it takes you a long time to catch up.  Tell your doctor how you feel.  You won't sound like a pity party I assure you.  Muster up what little strength you have left and tell somebody.  You will be saving your own life even if you don't have suicidal feelings yet. It doesn't mean that in a split second they won't be there. If your family or friends, or even your doctor brushes your feelings aside, tell someone else. Keep talking.  Every life is worth saving and if I helped even one person get through this then that's all I have written this for.  It has not been easy writing this and it sure won't be easy posting this but it is truly important and these things should NOT be secrets.

Talk to somebody today, right now.

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