To hide an abusive relationship is to encourage one. To the abuser, the secret of the abuse is akin to saying "it's not that bad", when it really is.
I have been told a few months ago by an unreliable source, that a spouse cannot rape their partner. This was obviously opinionated by someone who has never had to go through such a traumatizing experience. They in fact CAN, and most abusive partners will in some way or another. The abusers will tend to make you feel as though it's your duty to "please" them and will even tell you so.
You may find out that you are "not allowed" to do certain things. Whether it be dye/cut your hair, get a better job, hang out with your friends, see your family, fulfill your own needs. All these things can be taken away from you by someone that you love. You will eventually become depleted of your freedom.
So eventually you may find yourself saying "enough is enough, I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving!". Chances are, you'll be back again.
Hiding all of this from loved ones is one of the hardest things to do. You find yourself making up excuses for your partner, lying to your family and friends and generally believing your own lies.
Eventually, people close to you find out about your troubled relationship and do what humans do best - get nosy. They will poke and prod you and your friends for some answers and if you're broken enough, may not do the best lying when put on the spot.
This is when they throw up their arms, look at you like you're insane and say one or more of the following things:
"Just Leave!"
"You're crazy for staying with him/her! I sure as hell wouldn't"
"You must like being treated like that!"
"Do you have no self worth or respect?"
It's really better to say nothing at all. This person cannot "just leave" and you probably couldn't either.
Love is a funny thing. If you are truly committed and truly in love with the person, you can be blinded by their faults. You might feel like you deserve the way you're being treated. The person who abuses you probably actually DOES love you.
After being in an abusive relationship, I can say that it is nearly impossible to "just leave". I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I expected him to change. For him to wake up and see the damage that was being caused by his words and actions. This never happened and probably never will. It took me being physically kicked out by him to remove myself from his grasp. At the airport I was still begging him to let me come back home.
What I want to know is why love can blind you so badly? How can you still love someone who treats you like this? Why do you spend your precious time waiting for that person to change, and believing they can?
I guess this is one of the mysteries of love and life.
All I can say is that I am now so much better off, but it takes time. You have to leave on your own terms, even if you get kicked out. Emotionally you are still there. Until you find yourself again, you are never really gone from the circumstance. The hold on you may not be there physically, but emotionally it will be.
If someone trusts you, or if you hear some juicy gossip about someones relationship, never tell a person to "just leave".
For me, what it took was one of my best friends talking to me and saying "You need to take a step back and look at what is going on.". She told me I was being emotionally abused and I didn't believe her; then I started looking up what emotional abuse IS. What a shock. That is what helped me to break free.
ReplyDeleteEmotional abusers will cut you off from friends and family. They will try to isolate you and make you feel like they are the only one you can count on. I was lucky enough to be strong enough to continue to connect with a couple of close friends, but I don't think that's very common. I am stubborn, but in that case, it was a good thing!
"Just leave" isn't a good answer. I've been guilty of saying it to someone before, and it doesn't work and more often than not just distances you from the person you're trying to help. Now I try to just be supportive and let them know that if they need somewhere to go, for any reason, that I am there for them and they will always have a place to stay if they need it. I let them know I think that they are being emotionally abused (once only, like I was told) and may tell them my story... I tell them I am there to support them in whatever they choose to do. It hurts to see my friends in pain, but it's really all you can do.