To hide an abusive relationship is to encourage one. To the abuser, the secret of the abuse is akin to saying "it's not that bad", when it really is.
I have been told a few months ago by an unreliable source, that a spouse cannot rape their partner. This was obviously opinionated by someone who has never had to go through such a traumatizing experience. They in fact CAN, and most abusive partners will in some way or another. The abusers will tend to make you feel as though it's your duty to "please" them and will even tell you so.
You may find out that you are "not allowed" to do certain things. Whether it be dye/cut your hair, get a better job, hang out with your friends, see your family, fulfill your own needs. All these things can be taken away from you by someone that you love. You will eventually become depleted of your freedom.
So eventually you may find yourself saying "enough is enough, I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving!". Chances are, you'll be back again.
Hiding all of this from loved ones is one of the hardest things to do. You find yourself making up excuses for your partner, lying to your family and friends and generally believing your own lies.
Eventually, people close to you find out about your troubled relationship and do what humans do best - get nosy. They will poke and prod you and your friends for some answers and if you're broken enough, may not do the best lying when put on the spot.
This is when they throw up their arms, look at you like you're insane and say one or more of the following things:
"Just Leave!"
"You're crazy for staying with him/her! I sure as hell wouldn't"
"You must like being treated like that!"
"Do you have no self worth or respect?"
It's really better to say nothing at all. This person cannot "just leave" and you probably couldn't either.
Love is a funny thing. If you are truly committed and truly in love with the person, you can be blinded by their faults. You might feel like you deserve the way you're being treated. The person who abuses you probably actually DOES love you.
After being in an abusive relationship, I can say that it is nearly impossible to "just leave". I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I expected him to change. For him to wake up and see the damage that was being caused by his words and actions. This never happened and probably never will. It took me being physically kicked out by him to remove myself from his grasp. At the airport I was still begging him to let me come back home.
What I want to know is why love can blind you so badly? How can you still love someone who treats you like this? Why do you spend your precious time waiting for that person to change, and believing they can?
I guess this is one of the mysteries of love and life.
All I can say is that I am now so much better off, but it takes time. You have to leave on your own terms, even if you get kicked out. Emotionally you are still there. Until you find yourself again, you are never really gone from the circumstance. The hold on you may not be there physically, but emotionally it will be.
If someone trusts you, or if you hear some juicy gossip about someones relationship, never tell a person to "just leave".
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Depression - Talk NOW
Depression is more than feeling sad every now and again. I hear people say "Ugh I'm so depressed today". Are you really and truly depressed, or just sad?
There is a huge difference between the two. One you can "get over" yourself, the other involves professionals. You want to stick with the first one obviously, but it is not that easy and it's not something that you see coming your way.
I will admit, in my younger years there was always something glamorous about being in a depressed state. There was something glamorous about taking pills everyday for something you couldn't control. I don't know why I thought this way. Maybe because I was an artist and thought that in order to produce a good artistic result you needed to be depressed. It's true to some degree. Most of my art has come out of my depression and it is of a higher quality, but dark music can have the same effect without the damage.
Never did I think it would become me. Become who I am and who I was. I didn't think that I would be so out of control with my mind that I could not leave my own bed, let alone my apartment for months at a time. I would eat in bed, smoke in bed, and sleep. I always slept, for days straight. My rent was never paid and I would hide in a dark bathroom when the landlord came to collect it. My apartment was a complete disaster. There was garbage everywhere, I had an abundance of pets that I thought would cure whatever ailed me, but they just became a burden and all found much better homes in the end.
This is NOT something that I wanted to share with the world about myself. Many people do not/did not know this about me, but I will always be honest about myself if it's brought up in conversation. It is not something I am proud of. The way that I used to live was a disaster and I'll be the first person to admit it. I am utterly ashamed of the damage I've caused to others, myself and my family, but it was something that was completely out of my control.
You don't feel like you deserve a nice home, you don't think you deserve to eat, to work, to live amongst society. The only way that you can feel emotions, to feel anything at all is to hurt yourself and sometimes others.
These are not things that mentally healthy people will do to themselves for attention. To purposely waste their lives feeling miserable just to get some sympathy from someone. It is so much more than that.
I began to disassociate myself from the world, dabber into a lot of alcohol and moped around the apartment (that I shared with my ex-husband). I would mope around and sleep all day and all night, not accomplishing anything at all. Not doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. I didn't feel like I deserved a nice environment.
My husband was extremely abusive, emotionally and physically. Obviously someone in my already depressed state feels as though they deserve this, and doesn't do much about it.
I eventually got to my breaking point. I was highly intoxicated and decided that this was it, I no longer wanted to live. This is a scary thing for me even to type. I never thought that I would even consider this, but it's something that you don't think about. I didn't once think of my parents and how it would affect them, I never once thought of my family, my friends, my co-workers. Nothing crossed my mind except the end result. To this day I do not find suicides selfish. I hear so many people say how selfish it is. What they do not understand is how close they, themselves are. One moment. It only takes ONE moment. ONE thought.
I was arrested by the Dallas Police Department for attempted suicide and was promptly brought to Green Oaks Mental Institution. This was the worst place I have ever been in my life. Jail would have been nicer. You didn't get your own room. You got your own plastic recliner, a water bottle, a hospital shirt and that's it. You shared a room with about 50 other people. All whom have been arrested for a variety of things. Mostly drug related and were there to detox, most were high, most were homeless and it was a mix of men and women. I was not supposed to talk to anyone. I was allowed 3 cigarette breaks a day. They would have them scheduled and I would go outside on this tiny patio in groups that was supervised by a guard. I was not permitted to go to the washroom by myself . Talk about humiliating. I was strip searched as well. This lasted 2 days.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and given 10mg of Celexa to take per day. I did not know at the time that you have to continue to increase your dose every couple of months because it completely stops working. I was given a short term supply of Ativan and Xanax to help me over the next course of months. I was finally up to 60mg of Celexa per day and when it finally stopped working I decided that was enough. I had made some major changes in my life. I now believe that I can cope without the medication. I still take .25mg of Xanax when needed - which now is very rare.
I have been off of all medication for about 6 months now and I feel much better. The withdrawals were horrible. It makes you feel like you have the flu for about 2 months. Nausea and dizziness all day.
This is always something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. There may be a time when I have to return to medication. It does get better. My life has completely turned around and I could not have done it without the medication.
If you take anything from my story regarding my depression, please get help now. Don't wait until your life is crippled, until you waste so much time that it takes you a long time to catch up. Tell your doctor how you feel. You won't sound like a pity party I assure you. Muster up what little strength you have left and tell somebody. You will be saving your own life even if you don't have suicidal feelings yet. It doesn't mean that in a split second they won't be there. If your family or friends, or even your doctor brushes your feelings aside, tell someone else. Keep talking. Every life is worth saving and if I helped even one person get through this then that's all I have written this for. It has not been easy writing this and it sure won't be easy posting this but it is truly important and these things should NOT be secrets.
Talk to somebody today, right now.
http://letstalk.bell.ca/
There is a huge difference between the two. One you can "get over" yourself, the other involves professionals. You want to stick with the first one obviously, but it is not that easy and it's not something that you see coming your way.
I will admit, in my younger years there was always something glamorous about being in a depressed state. There was something glamorous about taking pills everyday for something you couldn't control. I don't know why I thought this way. Maybe because I was an artist and thought that in order to produce a good artistic result you needed to be depressed. It's true to some degree. Most of my art has come out of my depression and it is of a higher quality, but dark music can have the same effect without the damage.
Never did I think it would become me. Become who I am and who I was. I didn't think that I would be so out of control with my mind that I could not leave my own bed, let alone my apartment for months at a time. I would eat in bed, smoke in bed, and sleep. I always slept, for days straight. My rent was never paid and I would hide in a dark bathroom when the landlord came to collect it. My apartment was a complete disaster. There was garbage everywhere, I had an abundance of pets that I thought would cure whatever ailed me, but they just became a burden and all found much better homes in the end.
This is NOT something that I wanted to share with the world about myself. Many people do not/did not know this about me, but I will always be honest about myself if it's brought up in conversation. It is not something I am proud of. The way that I used to live was a disaster and I'll be the first person to admit it. I am utterly ashamed of the damage I've caused to others, myself and my family, but it was something that was completely out of my control.
You don't feel like you deserve a nice home, you don't think you deserve to eat, to work, to live amongst society. The only way that you can feel emotions, to feel anything at all is to hurt yourself and sometimes others.
These are not things that mentally healthy people will do to themselves for attention. To purposely waste their lives feeling miserable just to get some sympathy from someone. It is so much more than that.
I began to disassociate myself from the world, dabber into a lot of alcohol and moped around the apartment (that I shared with my ex-husband). I would mope around and sleep all day and all night, not accomplishing anything at all. Not doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc. I didn't feel like I deserved a nice environment.
My husband was extremely abusive, emotionally and physically. Obviously someone in my already depressed state feels as though they deserve this, and doesn't do much about it.
I eventually got to my breaking point. I was highly intoxicated and decided that this was it, I no longer wanted to live. This is a scary thing for me even to type. I never thought that I would even consider this, but it's something that you don't think about. I didn't once think of my parents and how it would affect them, I never once thought of my family, my friends, my co-workers. Nothing crossed my mind except the end result. To this day I do not find suicides selfish. I hear so many people say how selfish it is. What they do not understand is how close they, themselves are. One moment. It only takes ONE moment. ONE thought.
I was arrested by the Dallas Police Department for attempted suicide and was promptly brought to Green Oaks Mental Institution. This was the worst place I have ever been in my life. Jail would have been nicer. You didn't get your own room. You got your own plastic recliner, a water bottle, a hospital shirt and that's it. You shared a room with about 50 other people. All whom have been arrested for a variety of things. Mostly drug related and were there to detox, most were high, most were homeless and it was a mix of men and women. I was not supposed to talk to anyone. I was allowed 3 cigarette breaks a day. They would have them scheduled and I would go outside on this tiny patio in groups that was supervised by a guard. I was not permitted to go to the washroom by myself . Talk about humiliating. I was strip searched as well. This lasted 2 days.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and given 10mg of Celexa to take per day. I did not know at the time that you have to continue to increase your dose every couple of months because it completely stops working. I was given a short term supply of Ativan and Xanax to help me over the next course of months. I was finally up to 60mg of Celexa per day and when it finally stopped working I decided that was enough. I had made some major changes in my life. I now believe that I can cope without the medication. I still take .25mg of Xanax when needed - which now is very rare.
I have been off of all medication for about 6 months now and I feel much better. The withdrawals were horrible. It makes you feel like you have the flu for about 2 months. Nausea and dizziness all day.
This is always something that I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. There may be a time when I have to return to medication. It does get better. My life has completely turned around and I could not have done it without the medication.
If you take anything from my story regarding my depression, please get help now. Don't wait until your life is crippled, until you waste so much time that it takes you a long time to catch up. Tell your doctor how you feel. You won't sound like a pity party I assure you. Muster up what little strength you have left and tell somebody. You will be saving your own life even if you don't have suicidal feelings yet. It doesn't mean that in a split second they won't be there. If your family or friends, or even your doctor brushes your feelings aside, tell someone else. Keep talking. Every life is worth saving and if I helped even one person get through this then that's all I have written this for. It has not been easy writing this and it sure won't be easy posting this but it is truly important and these things should NOT be secrets.
Talk to somebody today, right now.
http://letstalk.bell.ca/
So You Wanna Quit High School?
To think of all the time I've wasted, I'm appalled. It's been 8 years since I quit high school and I have nothing to show for the amount of time that I've worked in those years. If anything, I have a failed marriage, a 4 page resume and a series of abandoned apartments.
I still live in an apartment, I'll be 25 this year. I have no education other than a certificate saying I am smart enough to have a general grade 12. I have around $20 in my bank account for fun stuff but no time to do this "fun stuff" as I have no choice but to work constantly.
I work around 93.5 hours bi-weekly and nothing to show for it but a good work ethic which may help me get another minimum wage job as reference.
The woman who set up my bank account and helps me with my finances was in the same high school classes as me. The nurse at the doctors office was in a grade lower than me. This is not a good feeling.
If you're considering quitting school, please watch this video first.
I still live in an apartment, I'll be 25 this year. I have no education other than a certificate saying I am smart enough to have a general grade 12. I have around $20 in my bank account for fun stuff but no time to do this "fun stuff" as I have no choice but to work constantly.
I work around 93.5 hours bi-weekly and nothing to show for it but a good work ethic which may help me get another minimum wage job as reference.
The woman who set up my bank account and helps me with my finances was in the same high school classes as me. The nurse at the doctors office was in a grade lower than me. This is not a good feeling.
If you're considering quitting school, please watch this video first.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Your Story is My Story.
I was cruising around on YouTube and kept coming across all of these teenagers posting videos of them flipping pages upon pages of why their lives suck and how hard it is to be them.
I made a video response on my old YouTube channel (MizzY0uTub3) that hadn't been touched in quite sometime. Why I didn't post it on my bashleyblog channel? I didn't want to ruin it.
Anyway, here is the video response:
Now I will sit back and wait for the controversy!
I made a video response on my old YouTube channel (MizzY0uTub3) that hadn't been touched in quite sometime. Why I didn't post it on my bashleyblog channel? I didn't want to ruin it.
Anyway, here is the video response:
Now I will sit back and wait for the controversy!
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Ashley is 阿什利
I had the courage to open it for the first time yesterday, after glancing at it on my bookshelf for weeks. Setting up the kit according to the included instruction booklet, made me feel as though I was setting myself up for failure.
The booklet seemed daunting so I searched Chinese Brush Painting for Beginners on YouTube and found www.youtube.com/user/blueheronarts. I found this extremely helpful and decided to follow some basic tips for painting bamboo.
Here's what I came up with:
Of course- not perfect but it's so much harder than it looks! It's a lot of fun and I am going to really try to paint one picture per day.
Saturday, 17 December 2011
Dress Down Day
In October 2009 I landed back here.
From a city I was in love with.
Where the lights, buildings, scenery, shopping, clubs would make my heart flutter.
I can't believe I missed Tim Hortons and getting to work in less than half an hour.
Public transit sucked though, the heat sucked, the shootings sucked, but it was my home.
Wear what you want, look how you want, act how you want, with no judgment.
When you come back here, you must trade your mini skirts for sweat pants.
Case closed.
From a city I was in love with.
Where the lights, buildings, scenery, shopping, clubs would make my heart flutter.
I can't believe I missed Tim Hortons and getting to work in less than half an hour.
Public transit sucked though, the heat sucked, the shootings sucked, but it was my home.
Wear what you want, look how you want, act how you want, with no judgment.
When you come back here, you must trade your mini skirts for sweat pants.
Case closed.
Friday, 11 November 2011
Saving Money with Bashley
1. Quit smoking! If you're like me, it's not the amount of money you spend on just cigarettes that bothers you, it's the money you spend at the store on treats and unnecessary items WHILE you're buying high priced cigarettes!
2. Try not to pay for necessities. If that means jacking the toilet paper from the night club while you're out with your friends, then 'high five'! There are things that we believe are necessities such as paper towels, meat, milk, bread, cosmetics, etc. that are easy to go without when you're trying to save money.
3. Give animals an extra week or so to live! Soy milk and Tofu "meat" products are usually cheaper than the products that we're used to. A carton of cow milk will run you around $3.00 or more where as soy milk is around $1.99 and is usually on sale. You can get a block of tofu with seasoning for around $5.00 which is a lot cheaper than cooking pork chops for the fam!
4. Brew your own coffee. This has been a MAJOR one for me. A bag of ready brew Starbucks is around $7.00 which sounds a bit pricey all at once, however 7 days a week at around $5.00 per morning is almost $40.00 a week! If you can't muster brewing your own coffee, at least bring your own travel mug. Most coffee shops offer a 10% discount to those who BYOMug!
5. Don't skip out on healthy food for your pets. They are more expensive than the No Name's but Vet bills are A LOT higher.
6. Don't buy too much music. You get tired of songs faster than you think. Unless it's a rare track, YouTube it until you never want to hear it anymore! Want to put your favorite 'now' song onto your MP3 player? Copy and paste the link of the video into this site, download it and transfer! http://www.youtube-mp3.org/
7. Cheat. People who complain about a product will usually get a complimentary replacement. What happens if you contact a company to complain about a product you want, yet never purchased? FREE STUFF! Don't abuse this though, your address, name and phone number can only be used ONCE, and many companies have many sub-companies so don't call the same one twice! Remember, you will need barcodes, prices, size of product (ml, gal, oz), expiry date and the production number in a black stamp somewhere on the product.
8. Get insurance for everyone. You, pets, other family members. You may rarely get sick but when that cavity pops up on a week that you have $17 to spend, your dog raids the trash and can't throw up, you'll be thankful!
9. Ignore the 'couponing' hype. You will see lots of coupons for things you've always wanted to try, a new candle from glade, $2 off a box of 50 Bic pens, etc. Chances are you don't need these things, but you'll feel obligated to buy because you have a coupon.
10. Have to get someone a present? Re-gift a gift you've received or make your own! It can be as simple as re-wrapping a sweater you never liked that your friend always envied, or taking your moms favorite photo, heading to the dollar store, choosing a nice frame, scrap book paper, sticker decorations, and for less than $10 you can have an awesome gift!
2. Try not to pay for necessities. If that means jacking the toilet paper from the night club while you're out with your friends, then 'high five'! There are things that we believe are necessities such as paper towels, meat, milk, bread, cosmetics, etc. that are easy to go without when you're trying to save money.
3. Give animals an extra week or so to live! Soy milk and Tofu "meat" products are usually cheaper than the products that we're used to. A carton of cow milk will run you around $3.00 or more where as soy milk is around $1.99 and is usually on sale. You can get a block of tofu with seasoning for around $5.00 which is a lot cheaper than cooking pork chops for the fam!
4. Brew your own coffee. This has been a MAJOR one for me. A bag of ready brew Starbucks is around $7.00 which sounds a bit pricey all at once, however 7 days a week at around $5.00 per morning is almost $40.00 a week! If you can't muster brewing your own coffee, at least bring your own travel mug. Most coffee shops offer a 10% discount to those who BYOMug!
5. Don't skip out on healthy food for your pets. They are more expensive than the No Name's but Vet bills are A LOT higher.
6. Don't buy too much music. You get tired of songs faster than you think. Unless it's a rare track, YouTube it until you never want to hear it anymore! Want to put your favorite 'now' song onto your MP3 player? Copy and paste the link of the video into this site, download it and transfer! http://www.youtube-mp3.org/
7. Cheat. People who complain about a product will usually get a complimentary replacement. What happens if you contact a company to complain about a product you want, yet never purchased? FREE STUFF! Don't abuse this though, your address, name and phone number can only be used ONCE, and many companies have many sub-companies so don't call the same one twice! Remember, you will need barcodes, prices, size of product (ml, gal, oz), expiry date and the production number in a black stamp somewhere on the product.
8. Get insurance for everyone. You, pets, other family members. You may rarely get sick but when that cavity pops up on a week that you have $17 to spend, your dog raids the trash and can't throw up, you'll be thankful!
9. Ignore the 'couponing' hype. You will see lots of coupons for things you've always wanted to try, a new candle from glade, $2 off a box of 50 Bic pens, etc. Chances are you don't need these things, but you'll feel obligated to buy because you have a coupon.
10. Have to get someone a present? Re-gift a gift you've received or make your own! It can be as simple as re-wrapping a sweater you never liked that your friend always envied, or taking your moms favorite photo, heading to the dollar store, choosing a nice frame, scrap book paper, sticker decorations, and for less than $10 you can have an awesome gift!
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